on the subject of marriage

I find it extremely odd that in the year 2008 I am still questioned, and quite often, about just why I have never been married. Since I recently changed jobs and moved to a new city, I have been asked that question several times over the past few months, including today.

Putting aside the fact that my choices and why I make them are nobody’s business but my own and who the fuck are you to ask me such a question, why is it even a question in the first place? I mean, why should I be married? Give me a good reason. Most of the married people I know take each other for granted and are certainly no happier than I.

I don’t need a man in my life for financial security or for any other reason. I choose to have a man in my life because I love him dearly, we have fun together, he has made me see things I may never have seen, we support and care for each other, and let’s face it - having regular (and mighty fine) sex is a huge benefit to my life. But why go through the bother and the expense of getting married; of being married?

I do find the notion of meeting one person at age 21 and being with that person for the rest of your life a tad unrealistic, but don’t get me wrong – I am not anti-marriage. For other people. Hey, do what you want to do folks. I see nothing wrong with marriage, per se. I cry at weddings, just like every other girl you know. Were it important to my old man, I would not be averse to walking down the aisle at this point in my life. We are essentially married anyway – our commitment to one another is the same. I just don’t really see the purpose, this day and age. There was a time when women were pretty much financially screwed if they did not get married, but that is not the case anymore. Or it doesn't have to be.

As I see it, the only reason to get married is to have a huge party and I can throw a party any time I want. And besides - wouldn’t the money I would spend on a wedding and reception be better spent elsewhere? You know how many people you could feed with the money most women spend on a dress they will wear once?

Of course, I also chose to never have children; but frankly I would find it hypocritical to get married just so that my kids would be “legitimate”, if I had chosen to have them. What a ridiculous notion. As if having two parents makes anything legitimate, or not having them makes one less of a human being.

Again I ask – why get married? So I won't die alone? Another ridiculous notion. In truth, I have spent much of my life alone and I happen to enjoy my own company. But even were that not the case, aside from the fact that I am in a relationship with someone I plan to grown old with (assuming neither of us gets hit by a bus or anything), I have been blessed with the most wonderful family ever and have no fear of ever being alone in that sense. And even were I alone in the end…so what? In reality, we’re all “alone” in the end and trying to convince yourself otherwise is just a way to make you feel better about The Great Unknown.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I just can not get over how many times people ask me a question I consider to be so ridiculous (not to mention a complete invasion of privacy). And the thing is? Not once has anyone ever given me a good reason why I should be married.

Of course, their next question is inevitably why I don’t have any kids.

People have tremendously large balls to ask that question and think I am not going to punch them in the face.

Comments

[Andrea]

Good post. We're not getting the "Why aren't you married?" question. We're getting "So when are you getting married?" Uh, when we feel like it. I think we will get married. Some part of me wants to be married, though I'm not sure what difference it actually makes in our lives/relationship. I don't know. Maybe I just want to be married because it's a easy way to get a new last name. :-)

Our next battle will be explaining to people that WE'RE NOT having children. I've known since I was a young kid that I didn't want to actually have a child. I just thought that all women HAD to have children, so I decided at a young age that I'd adopt. Now that I'm older, I've figured out that I don't HAVE to have children. I really do have a choice. And my choice is to live a rug-rat free life. My mother is OK with that choice, but his mother is NOT.

Anyway, that was a long slightly off=topic rant. :-)

[Karen / ikss]

well, I think most women want to get married some day, and that's cool. I just have never been one of them and I can't believe the aghast looks I get from people when I say "I have never had any desire to be married." When I was in my twenties, women would always say "Oh, you'll change your mind" when we discussed either the marriage or the kid thing. Like I had no idea what my own desires and needs were, ya know? Now they just look at me like I'm an alien. At this point, even if I had the desire to get married I probably wouldn't do it, just out of rebellion. :) Plus, I think it will be kind for cool to be an eighty year old woman still living in sin with my "boyfriend".

I'm the same as you - I thought if I ever did decide to have kids, I would adopt. But even now, when I consider the notion, I know it would just not work at all. I like kids and think they can be a lot of fun...but I only like SOME of them and I like to send them home at the end of the day. :)