Well, I’m glad it’s 11:00 right now – almost a legitimate lunch-time. Otherwise, I’d feel terribly guilty about the fact that I am already craving more food for the day. I mean, I did have my lovely not-even-so-little protein shake (with flax seed!) only like three hours ago. There is no reason for me to be thinking about food, yet…
So a few weeks ago, out of the blue, I started receiving US Magazine in the mail. Weird…I never ordered it. To top it off, the magazine is being sent to my old address and forwarded to me. So not only am I receiving a gossip rag that I never ordered, by the time I get it, all the gossip is old gossip!
I have been reading the magazines, of course, which takes all of five minutes. There is essentially one “article” (and I use that term loosely) in each edition. The rest is pictures of people in pretty and/or not-so-pretty clothes, with snide comments from a staff of fashion “experts” critiquing every curve-hugging detail; picks for affordable lip glosses and the like; information on how to obtain a body like Lo Bosworth from The Hills (which, by the way…um…why would I want to?) and about four pages of ads for tee-shirts and breast-enhancing creams.
Who actually reads this tripe, anyway?
- Who looks better in this dress? Hayden Panitierre or the chick from Dancing with the Stars?
WTF?
And do they ever actually interview any of the people they spread rumors about? Cuz all I ever read is “A source close to the couple says they are on the verge of divorce.” Aside from the fact that the status of some actor’s relationship is none of my business, like, who is this “source” and how the fuck do they know intimate details of the guy’s life? And yet, they pass this hearsay off as fact, over and over again. When did spreading rumors about people become legitimate journalism?
The last issue I received had a cover story on Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal going on vacation in France, with her children. This was the cover story: They sent some photographers to Europe to follow these poor people all over the place and take clandestine photos of them while they try to relax and have fun with her children! These photographers did not have permission to do this, of course, because paparazzi rarely do. They just intruded on these people’s lives, as if they had every right to do so.
And US made the ill-gotten gains of these photographers their cover “story” – a story which consisted of pure conjecture as to the state of Reese and Jake’s relationship.
And people buy this shit!!!!! They actually spend cold hard-earned cash on it!
I understand some of you may actually have read at least one issue of US in the last decade and so you are probably laughing at the fact that I am so aghast…but I never read this kind of stuff. I know about it, vaguely, through the internet; I have even seen a thing or two over on TMZ.com. But I never knew how blessedly ignorant I was until this magazine mysteriously started showing up in my mailbox.
Someone who knows me and knows how appalled I would be has obviously played a joke on the ol’ ikss.
So today, I received an actual invoice for this monstrosity which passes itself off as a magazine.
Ooh, and if I pay right this instant, I can get a bonus 5 free issues!!! 5 free issues of vomit with pictures of pretty people in clothes I am supposed to judge! Yay for me!
So…I wrote a little email to US Magazine’s Customer Service Dept., under the sub-section “Cancellation Inquiry”. Here is the content of that email:
I never ordered this magazine and do not want it, yet I have now received 3 issues. I do not read US Magazine, have no desire to read US magazine and never will. I do not know how you got my information, but I am not paying for a magazine I consider to be an absolute waste of resources and which consists of incredibly irresponsible journalism (I love how you hear a rumor from someone who supposedly knows Reese Witherspoon and you report it as fact in your magazine). The rag is not even being sent to my correct address and therefore has to be forwarded to me. I really think had I ordered the magazine, I would have had it sent to the correct address. Please stop killing excess trees by sending me your magazine and do not invoice me again. Thank you.
I guess I could have just stopped at “I never ordered this magazine. Please cancel.” That would have been far less harsh, obviously.
But not near as much fun.
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